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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 18:07:09 GMT -5
...I went through this many times myself - and it always ends up with a girl wanting to be just friends. It sounds like you wasted time and didn't make yourself known. You should have touched her - said romantic things - made gestures. You can be sexual and still be "Mr Nice". You missed out there because you didn't make a move. ...And I know this is probably going to start another storm, but you intentions to date a shy guy may not translate into you actually dating a shy guy. I think I know my mind better than you do. Well it turns out, often the reason she doesn't feel THAT WAY is because the guy was suppressing any hint of sexuality or romantic attraction himself, along with a general fear of doing anything that may not be considered nice or trigger a rejection. He is a nice guy and a great friend, but not a lover. You could be right. But as I keep stressing... i'm different. If a shy guy was "nice, a great friend".. i'd make him a lover. If I liked him that much - i'd put both of us out of our misery and make the first move (sexually). |
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 18:09:32 GMT -5
....its not their fault - but as you correctly pointed out it gives the guy an excuse for his fears No.. not an excuse for his fears. An excuse to be fucking idle and blame other people (on internet forums?) for his own issues! *Please stop making edits MrNice.. because I have to keep making them too and it interrupts this discussion. K thanx bai.  |
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 18:33:24 GMT -5
DUH
but you know what - I didn't - because I was afraid - and part of the reason is that it has been hammered into my head that its BAD BEHAVIOR - unless there is a signed contract from a girl that its ok to touch her, it just does not seem ok. Most of it is fear of rejection. In my opinion, the 'guys just want sex and we want something different' message gives a very nice justification for that fear.
everyone is diffferent - please stop stressing this point. You have no problem talking about Miss average, but somehow you can;t see that to somebody else, miss average is anybody including you.
One caveat to your story - the guy has to like you too. And somehow its always the girl that you are attracted to that does not take this approach to things. She does not have to be hot either.
And just exactly how did you end up liking him 'that much' if he didn't show any sign of romantic attraction? Remember - you are risking the obsessive crush situation in reverse here.
I'll try
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 18:52:16 GMT -5
whatever - those are the guys that are asking for advice - and thats your audience
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:02:10 GMT -5
Most of it is fear of rejection. Absolutely. everyone is diffferent - please stop stressing this point. You have no problem talking about Miss average, but somehow you can;t see that to somebody else, miss average is anybody including you. If someone sees me as Miss Average, it's their loss. I'm telling you right now that I am not - hopefully to prevent you from making awful generalizations in the future and including me in them. One caveat to your story - the guy has to like you too. And somehow its always the girl that you are attracted to that does not take this approach to things. She does not have to be hot either. I know i'm not prize pick - you were quick enough to tell me that fact.  But when I find a shy guy that likes me (or that I think likes me.. he's not going to tell me he likes me, right?  ) i'll take the risk and make the first move. If it's not a girl you're attracted to, then the shy guy will get to do the rejecting for once - ah, how liberating!  And just exactly how did you end up liking him 'that much'? Remember - you are risking the obsessive crush situation in reverse here. Because i've waited to get to know them personally before having sex. That's how i've ended up liking him that much! *And when did obsessiveness come into this scenario?? The bottom line is, shyness doesn't mean you are at the bottom of the pack... I don't see how your only ray of hope is to change your willingness to talk about sex/make the first move. |
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:08:04 GMT -5
whatever - those are the guys that are asking for advice - and thats your audience Why do they want my advice? EeewwW! lolz! |
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 19:08:14 GMT -5
it has nothing to do with that - you are a prize pick for someone
but how are you going to know that he likes you? and if he does not respond to your first move what are you going to do? how far are you willing to take it without reciprocity?
don't you see the inherent contradiction in this statement? Its like that thing where 90% of the people think that they are better then average drivers. It just doesn't make sense
or have you not seen monty python movie where a crowd of people chants 'we are all different'?
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 19:13:01 GMT -5
thats what usually happens when one person is trying to go after another without reciprocity for a long period of time
in terms of being able to form a relationship it does
I don't mean that being shy makes you a bad person, but the definition of shyness is basically not being able to relate to other people
my only ray of hope?
no - just something that is very important
and its not 'willingness to talk about sex' - its doing anything that might foster rejection
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:16:34 GMT -5
it has nothing to do with that - you are a prize pick for someone Don't tell me you've actually got a heart. but how are you going to know that he likes you? and if he does not respond to your first move what are you going to do? how far are you willing to take it without reciprocity? Women are blessed with intuition. I'm very much in tune with mine. If I felt something psychically that pulled me towards them i'd go for it... if they pulled away, i'd give it some time and try again. I'd resort to some not so good techniques too eventually (in good time) - ask them how they feel / get them drunk / rape their ass / tell them that I will wait for them if that is what they want me to do. Underneath this shyness, there is solid determination and i'm prepared to put up one hell of a fight for something I believe in... you might have noticed. don't you see the inherent contradiction in this statement? Its like that thing where 90% of the people think that they are better then average drivers. It just doesn't make sense or have you not seen monty python movie where a crowd of people chants 'I am different'? I am unique. Just like everyone else.  Seriously though - if people don't want to take the time out to get to know me, then they're not relationship material anyway. |
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:18:20 GMT -5
....in terms of being able to form a relationship it does I don't mean that being shy makes you a bad person, but the definition of shyness is basically not being able to relate to other people... We are talking about shyness here. Not autism, or any personality disorder - shyness. |
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 19:40:14 GMT -5
from wiki
In humans, shyness is the feeling of apprehension or lack of confidence experienced in regard to social association with others, e.g. being in proximity to, approaching and being approached by others. In zoology, shy generally means "tends to avoid human beings"; See crypsis. Shyness in animals manifests with ostensibly similar behavioral traits, but differs wholly from humans in cognition and motivation.
Shyness is most likely to occur during unfamiliar situations, though in severe cases it may hinder an individual in his or her most familiar situations and relationships as well. Shy individuals avoid the objects of their apprehension in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable and inept, thus the situations remain unfamiliar and the shyness perpetuates itself. Shyness may fade with time (a child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually lose this trait when older and more socially adept), or may be an integrated, life-long character trait, often by adolescence and young adulthood (but most likely around the age of 13).
Humans experience shyness to different degrees and in different areas. For example, an actor may be loud and bold on stage, but shy in an interview. In addition, shyness may manifest when one is in the company of certain people and completely disappear when with others—one may be outgoing with friends and family, but experience love-shyness toward potential partners, even if strangers are generally not an obstacle.
The condition of true shyness may simply involve the discomfort of difficulty in knowing what to say in social situations, or may include crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. Shyness usually involves a combination of both symptoms, and may be quite devastating for the sufferer, in many cases leading them to feel that they are boring, or exhibit bizarre behaviour in an attempt to create interest, alienating them further.
Instinctive behavioural traits in social situations such as smiling, easily producing suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture and making good eye contact, which come spontaneously for the average person, may not be second nature for a shy person, requiring struggle or being completely unattainable.
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:49:34 GMT -5
Ah Wiki.. famous for it's inaccuracy. Any idiot can write on there, but i'll give you the benefit of the doubt... The way you phrased it "but the definition of shyness is basically not being able to relate to other people..." got me thinking something different... you were perhaps saying that shy people can't relate to other people (as in they can't understand what human emotion/thought is). Perhaps "being unable to behave appropriately" would be a better phrase? I don't know.  Anyway, whether you like it or not there are people out there (or 1 person - me) who are prepared to actually date a shy guy (and not just say they will). They will have the patience to see him through that initial difficult stage of intimacy/getting comfortable. In the minority we may be - but we do exist. |
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 19:50:40 GMT -5
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Post by annaa on Apr 11, 2008 19:52:32 GMT -5
What's that got to do with anything..? This is an incredibly weak arguement that i'm not even going to get into. I'm too lazy to read it all... besides - i'm not the girl who's involved with that particular member of this forum. How the hell do I know what she's thinking?? |
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Post by MrNice on Apr 11, 2008 19:53:01 GMT -5
This is a statement of intent
while there may be cases where this happened, its something that is very unlikely to happen - even with you
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) i'll take the risk and make the first move.
