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Post by billd1 on Dec 4, 2008 16:25:54 GMT -5
I have heard some people say that home schooling children contributes to or causes social inadequacy; that a home-schooled child will not be able to "fit in" and function socially with the other kids when they eventually do go to a regular public or private school.
But, I've heard parents who have home schooled their children, as well as their children themselves, say that when they did eventually go to a regular school with other kids, they had no problems fitting in, and functioning socially with their peer group.
I was not home schooled. I went to public schools from kindergarden thru the 12th grade, and it certainly didn't keep me from having problems functioning socially with my peer group.
I wonder if any of you other Shy United members have any thots on this subject, whether you were ever home schooled, or never had any home schooling.
(Since I'm new to this board, maybe the subject has been discussed on a buried thread I so far haven't uncovered, but if it's been awhile, a new thread probably would benefit other newer members).
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Post by billd1 on Nov 4, 2008 18:43:29 GMT -5
nokotbon25 touched on this subject in the thread, "Can Shy Guys Living With Parents...?"
His thread was in relation to getting girl friends, but the "issue"(?) of adult "children, living at home," is a vast subject, and encompasses a lot of other issues, and as many threads & members as this board has it could have been discussed in more detail earlier, but so far I haven't seen it.
Adult Children living with their parents, is something that brings out very strong feelings in many people, sometimes of scorn & ridicule.
I remember back in the 1980s, probably, Phil Donahue, I think it was, had a show on this issue.
One man in the audience, said, most adamantly: "In our family, we have a rule: Once you reach the age of 18, you do not live at home!"
But, one Asian Couple said, it was part of their traditional view of the family, to have a lot of children, so when some of them grow up, they can remain at home & take care of their parents in their final years (this relates to the "there's something I've got to talk to you about," thread).
Some people are very scornful of adult children "living at home." In one case I know of, a man in his late 20s got into a violent altercation with his father, and a man quite adamantly remarked about the incident, "a man that age has no business living at home."
And, there is the ridicule of adult children living at home.
While I didn't record the Phil Donahue show on the subject, I did record a TV commercial ridiculing a man in his early 40s being told by his parents that he must move out of their house.
It's on VHS, a dying technology, and I don't know if I'll keep it for posterity or not, but will review it, and post a transcript of it here, if any of you are interested.
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Post by billd1 on Oct 23, 2008 17:54:39 GMT -5
Following newspaper story was from a local newspaper, April 12, 1988, by Darrell Sifford of Knight-Ridder Newspapers.
Profoundly shy people suffer from disability that may cripple
I am what therapists call a "simple shy" person -- somebody who experiences some level of discomfort in some situations, such as walking into a room filled with people who are strangers to me but who are known to each other.
What I've learned to do is act as if I'm not shy. I'll go up to somebody and start a conversation -- about anything from his necktie to what he's drinking. I appear to be comfortable and relaxed and as extroverted as any salesman you ever met. It's an act, but nobody knows it but me, and it works.
But what if I were profoundly shy -- like some people I have met? That, psychotherapist John Owen said recently in Philadelphia, is something else entirely. "It's a prison, a crippling disability."
The old-time approach to treating shyness dealt solely with behavior and thoughts, he said. "You told somebody to 'stop thinking that way and go ahead and ask her to dance.' This works for simple shyness, but it doesn't work for somebody who is profoundly shy. For that person, the pain is so great that he'll stay in his room all day so he won't have to ask her to dance."
The pain comes from pervasive shame, said Owen, who regularly conducts workshops on overcoming shyness. "The shame is so poweful that it overrides everything else. Shame is not guilt, embarassment or self-consciousness. Shame is a statement that you're insufficient as a person. It's a humiliating experience. People would do anything rather than face shame -- even storm a hill and risk being killed to take a machine gun nest. ... Two or three or 10 times a day, the profoundly shy person re-experiences this pervasive shame: 'I am not valid as a human being."
Where does the shame come from?
From the family, said Owen. The roots are deep, and that is why the quick fix doesn't work. "How can you get over it in a few weeks when mommy and daddy taught you how to do it over a period of years? You can't. ... The sense of inadequacy is learned at an early age -- by not being validated, by not being good enough. ... There's usually an overdemanding, perfectionist parent who is never satisfied -- no matter what the kid does.
The kid doesn't quite measure up, but he's never told what it is that he doesn't measure up to. ... So he feels inadequate without knowing why. There's a lack of clarity, but the underlying sense of shame prevents the kid from saying, 'I feel inadequate,' and the denial that the family practices prevents the father from saying, 'Yes, I know. ... I felt inadequate at your age too, and I'll help you deal with it.'
John Owen, in his own words, was "a maladapted kid. We moved two dozen times, and I always was in a new school. I felt the shame of not being accepted by the social group. I was laughed at. I'd say 'hello,' but people would ignore me."
To disguise his pain, he became "a mouthy, obnoxious kid. ... I couldn't tell anybody at home, because nobody wanted to hear that this boy wasn't cutting it. Because nobody talked about problems, I assumed that nobody else had problems, so I had to deny and hide my problems. The shame of my inadequacy taught me to deny bad experiences. I looked aloof. ... Today, kids look druggy. It's a way to justify their being alone."
How does Owen help people to overcome severe shyness?
"You have to understand the dynamics of shyness. Half of change is knowing and understanding, being able to reframe a problem so it can be handled. ... You have to learn social skills. Shy people remain socially immature. They don't know how to shake hands, how to entertain, what to say next -- regardless of their education, status or business success. Learning social skills and practicing them until they master them helps overcome a feeling of inadequacy."
But, said Owen, this does nothing for the feelings of shame -- and this is where the heavy work comes in. "You have to have a confrontation with yourself and re-evaluate the system that caused the shame. You have to try to change the family" by going back and asking the questions that you weren't permitted to ask as a child.
What if the family refuses to change? "You have to do it alone, and that's pretty hard."
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Post by billd1 on Sept 9, 2008 17:50:27 GMT -5
Hello, Everyone.
I'm a new member of SHY United, possibly the newest member.
I'm using the name Bill D1, in honor of Bill W, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, the man who really gave momentum to lay therapy groups.
I think professionals are great, but sometimes it takes one to know one, it takes one to understand one, & it takes one to help one.
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