Men: Is it possible to be AFRAID of a woman?

[bella2007]

If you are PAINFULLY shy and you REALLY like her???


I think this man that i work with is seriously afraid of me!!! I think he likes me but is afraid. He seems so timid and bashful around me...almost frightened at times? Is that typical of a shy man???He looks away ALOT when we talk and gets dry mouth too sometimes.


Also...he has a hard time making eye contact with me for more than a minute or two...always has since day one, he tends to look at me alot when he thinks i am not looking/sometimes stares when i walk across the room...also he looks at me when he is talking to others (his head darts back and forth), he has turned red in the face when i have spoken to him, he gets very serious around me...jokes with everyone else though, says 'hello' to me (in a very soft voice) but looks down alot when he says it, etc.


He also tends to "practice" or "prepare" what he wants to say to me. He will look out the window before approaching me or walk across the room and take deep breathes then turn around and come to me!!! He has done this 3 or 4 times.


He seems to have no problem being around other people at work; female, male, single, married, pregnant, etc.
He chats w/coworkers, plays jokes on them...known as a jokester, laughs alot, tells stories, etc. he just can't be that way around me!!!

Its as if he is afraid of me? I am only half his size (lol) he's 6'3" and i am 5'3" and according to another man we work with...he said "You are probably his dream girl or something...why else treat you SO differently than the rest of the staff???"

He does agree that he is afraid of something!!! And he feels he is a shy, inexperienced man (in his late 30's) that has really low self esteem and probably doesn't date!!!

I like him alot...what should i do. And he DOES know i like him...he was told, put his head down and said "No!" that he wasn't interested. When the person asked why he has such a hard time around me...why does he treat me so differently than everyone else...he wouldn't answer...he just kept his head down!!! The person said "Its obvious that you she gets special treatment...why?" He didn't answer her.

He likes to give everyone at work a hard time...he is in maintanence and fixes things for us in the building and ALWAYS helps me and never tells me to do it myself like everyone else (jokingly) he never does that with me i get the shy, serious, frightened little boy side of him.


I need advice! Thanks in advance for your replies

[bella2007]

No one can identify

[Total Biscuit]

Hey!
We just need some time.
I can totally identify, and from what I've read, it seems your instincts are correct.
This guy is likely shy around you because he does like you.
In terms of him not wanting to go out with you, it could be from low self esteem: if he percieves you as some sort of ideal, he may feel that he is unworthy or that you are too far out of his league.
An aloof behaviour towards other people is a common shy defence. However it is likely that he feels that he cannot use this method with you and this has left him helpless and exposed.

As far as advice goes, I'd say that if you are suffiently outgoing, then maybe you could try to talk to him. Expect stunted replies but, if you persist, he may become more relaxed around you.
Try talking to him about yourself and try to find a common interest. Once he is able to relax around, he will probably still be too shy to ask you out, but will be open to suggestions from you.

Okay. I've witten this as if I'm the guy you're talking about so I don't know how much of this actually applies. However, if what I've got from your post is correct, then I do really identify with this guy.

Good luck.

[Paulinus]

bella2007 said:

No one can identify

Give it time I'm sure people can Well I do a bit being a shy man an all, but I hate posting in this section

Oh go on then...

Yes it is indeed possible for a man to be afraid of women he finds attractive particularly if he is inexperienced. So I suspect from what you describe that he does like you. I could be very wrong but my guess is he might feel your completely out of his league and even if he does believe you like him now(though I suspect he doesn't believe) he may think you'd soon go off him due to his lack of experience or whatever.

Advice? hmm try telling him yourself instead of through someone else perhaps? You might be able be able to convince him if you bash it into his skull enough Well that's if he likes you and there aren't some other cosmic forces making him act differently.


Anyway I'll leave this thread for better advisers then me to come along now.

[phoenixferret]

bella2007 said:

No one can identify

Maybe you should contribute something to someone else's thread before you lament the lack of replies to your own, especially seeing as this is only your second post, and your first post was quite lengthy.

Additionally, you may notice that you were the last one to post in the Relationships section. Responses often come slowly, so please have a little patience. And if after a while no one has yet responded, then post something which I suggest should be encouraging and friendly.

In response to your question: he either likes you a lot, or he dislikes you. It's ambiguous at this point. He could simply be afraid of you, full stop. There was a woman on here not long ago who liked a shy guy she worked with. He turned out to be dodging her and acting strange not because of low self esteem, but apparently because he was aware that she liked him and he didn't appreciate it, which was unfortunate.

But you're sure he likes you and your friends are sure he likes you, and yesterday he brushed past you on the way to the toilet, and the day before that he looked at you three and a half times while you were staring at him. Ok, so do something about it. If he's telling people he's not interested in dating you, it's a fair bet he's not going to hitch up his britches and ask you out, so there's no use waiting. You're just going to have to make a move if you want to date him--NOT by getting your friend to hand him a note or ask him for you--and you're going to have to be tactful about it so as to neither scare nor embarrass him.

Remember that nothing anyone says here will make a difference; we can't tell you what this dude is thinking, especially since all we know about him is second-hand information from a very biased source.

[gaz]

I am absolutely terrified of women. I'm terrified of people in general but i can't function with women at all, and it pisses me off for being so lame

[strawberrysweetie]

bella2007 said:

No one can identify

It takes time for people to respond.

bella2007 said:

He does agree that he is afraid of something!!! And he feels he is a shy, inexperienced man (in his late 30's) that has really low self esteem and probably doesn't date!!!

"Agrees" with who? I'm assuming you're hearing this from co-workers. And "probably doesn't date" is an assumption on your part. Some of what you wrote is just kind of confusing.

Anyway, I read this last night and was surprised at first when I read how he seems so comfortable around everyone else. After thinking about it, though, social anxiety (IF that is what he has) affects its sufferers differently. His could be very specific....being socially anxious only around women he is attracted to.

If you are genuinely interested in dating this man, then I agree with what some of the others have said. You should let him know yourself. Oh, I was also wondering....when you do get the chance to talk to him, are there others around? Perhaps you should try talking to him when no one else is around. For me, being one-on-one away from others is more comfortable because if there are others present, the more embarrassing it would be to have other people observing/listening.

If he's only heard from someone else that you like him, then he could possibly believe it's not true...that people are just mocking him about it because they realize he behaves differently around you.

I don't really have advice, because I know nothing about relationships first hand. But I do know that if a guy came up to me and said something like: "I really like you and think that maybe you like me, too. If you do, I'm really interested in getting to know you more. I realize you behave differently around me, and I don't really understand why, but I am willing to learn..."---well, if a guy said something like that to me, it would mean a lot. I'm not sure how I would initially react....slow to respond and awkward, I'm sure...but I think it would seem genuine. Chances of that actually happening, though, are slim to none.

[bella2007]

Thank you all for your reponses and sorry about the impatience on my part. But you did give me alot to think about

He has been acting this way since we met...before he KNEW i liked him; hard time looking at me, hard time being around me, etc. but i do know that it is DIFFERENT than anyone else in the building!!!!

Wether we are alone or not...he gets very nervous and shy. If it more than one other person around, he won't talk at all.

I know i need to do something, if not then i need to just move on and get over it. He seems more foreward when i go into my shell..i can be really shy too BUT only around him.

He will be more willing to talk, to say hello or make a move if i back down a bit and act like i have given up...which at times i admit, i get frustrated and do but then he's back the next day with a "hello" or "good morning"...or a "hey whats up?" and shows total confidence with better eye contact.

Maybe he likes the attention and notices when its gone???

That's how he was when my coworker said something to him about my interest in him...the next day he was eager to talk and not with his head down. He said "good morning" as soon as he saw me the next morning...i was happy with walking past and saying nothing at all, he was looking me square in the eye rather than avoiding me or getting all worried and nervous because he knows i like him.

You would think he'd want to avoid me if he didn't feel the same way NOT get more b@llsy...lol ;D ;D ;D

He even came and fixed the intercom in my room the very next morning after the talk with our coworker (when he found his confidence) rather then lay low. I wasn't there of course when he fixed it because he gets in at 6am but when i got in at 8:30 it was all fixed and ready to go...it was alittle surprising to me.


Thanks again everyone.

[Sweet Pea]

hmmm...he's already acting like he's scared of you...he's publicly stated he isn't interested in dating you to your co-workers...better be careful you don't get a rep as a stalker.

[pnoopiepnats]

Just leave him alone. He's not interested.

[bella2007]

Thanks for the responses.

[wraith]

He might be interested, but thinks it's easier for him to just pretend he's not. Try harder . How old is he btw?

[naganuma]

just because he says he isn't interested doesn't mean it is true. he is probably saying that so you give up and he doesn't have to deal with the pressure of being around you or having to date you. I should know i have done that sort of thing.

[Sweet Pea]

naganuma said:

just because he says he isn't interested doesn't mean it is true. he is probably saying that so you give up and he doesn't have to deal with the pressure of being around you or having to date you. I should know i have done that sort of thing.

and this may be true in her case as well, but last time i checked kidnapping is illegal, lol. what could she possibly try which would reduce the 'pressure' on him from being around her or dating her?

[pnoopiepnats]

wraith said:

He might be interested, but thinks it's easier for him to just pretend he's not. Try harder . How old is he btw?

That advice is probably fine for a male as that is the natural thing to pursue but women usually won't pursue or not for too long.

If you guys make it too difficult for the girls or seem to be too high maintenance we'll just move on.