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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 14:50:20 GMT -5
If there was poor communication in my friend's relationship, for the most part it wasn't from her side. She had many talks with him about how his behavior made her feel. Usually he would end up crying and apologizing after she refused to buy any excuses. The talks didn't work so well, but her backing off from him more did. I suppose I'm a little lost as to why he'd be surprised if she kept bringing it up. If he just wasn't listening, then it's probably a good thing it ended, and like Farouche said, for reasons other than he just didn't "chase" her more. To be honest, I feel quite out of depth with this stuff, and pretty much everything I could add has already been said. But if the question is "is he interested?" one thing does come to mind: Thinking about everything you've done from his point of view: how clear do you think you've been in showing your interest? If I recall correctly from an earlier thread (which I may not, so forgive me if that's the case), there was a possibility you sent ambiguous signals to him in the past. Did you act happy/flirty at all when you saw him this time, or were you too stressed or surprised? You did seem to take a good few days to get back to him. Add to this you generally seem to be cautious not to look too "desperate"... could it be it's sorta backfiring by making your interests look ambiguous? If you think you've been sending clear enough signals, then I'd conclude that any unresponsiveness is most likely a lack of interest too. Otherwise, he might be waiting on you to step things up a bit. As for what the single call-but-no-message means, I don't think I would take that as unresponsiveness myself. I don't tend to leave messages either. Granted, I'd probably try again, but then if you waited 5 days to get back to him, then he might try to be a bit blasé about it too. So yeah, I think I'll call again, because I am sick of taking everything so seriously and erring on the side of caution all the time, and I think I will be better able to move on if I've done everything I can. At the end of the day, I think that's the most important thing.  I think my friend's boyfriend was surprised because he thought she cared enough about him to put up with his behavior indefinately. His response was "I thought we would get through this, we get through everything." Overall, I feel like I've made it clear I like this guy, but maybe not. You're right, I wasn't that friendly when I ran into him. But now that I've called three times, he probably knows I'm interested. |
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Post by rukryM on Dec 18, 2008 15:01:09 GMT -5
But now that I've called three times, he probably knows I'm interested. If he doesn't, then there's obviously something fundamental wrong with his social intellect^^. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 18, 2008 15:30:34 GMT -5
Arrg! I'm feeling so frustrated! I called the guy a couple days after he called me and this time I didn't leave a message. Unless there was a glitch in the caller id (which occasionally happens), it appears he called back two hours later (right after I left!). So I called him the next night (last night), and again I was not able to reach him and didn't leave a message. He seems like the type that always keeps his phone on him, and I don't remember having trouble getting a hold of him during the summer, but maybe he's more busy now. . . Anyway, would it look really desperate if he doesn't call back and I call him again anyway? I don't like the idea of leaving things so unresolved, but I don't want him to seriously regret telling me to call. at this point, my recommendation would be to forget it. my reason is that you're not having fun. relationships are one of the few things in life that are entirely voluntary. you don't have to be with someone if you don't want to be. if you are gonna be with someone, imho it should be fun, enjoyable, a positive experience. if you can't do this without agonizing, being miserable, worrying, being anxious, etc. - then why do it at all? to me, all this strategizing is a big turnoff. personally, i'd rather be alone than engage in it. but of course, you should do whatever you want. that's the whole point. |
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Post by MrNice on Dec 18, 2008 15:43:07 GMT -5
a good way to stop agonizing, being miserable, worrying and being anxious is to stop being in denial about the other person's disinterest
the most likely reason for someone to act disinterested is that they really are disinterested, and not for any other reason
we always have a tendency to try to control things - and try to find the fault in our own actions - and often its obvious to everyone around what is going on except the person doing the chasing
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 15:52:32 GMT -5
a good way to stop agonizing, being miserable, worrying and being anxious is to stop being in denial about the other person's disinterest the most likely reason for someone to act disinterested is that they really are disinterested, and not for any other reason we always have a tendency to try to control things - and try to find the fault in our own actions - and often its obvious to everyone around what is going on except the person doing the chasing I'm not in denial about his disinterest. But you yourself said there was nothing to loose in contacting him. |
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Post by MrNice on Dec 18, 2008 15:54:59 GMT -5
and you did
as far as denial goes, its all about your feelings, sometimes you know things are not gonna happen but you have to go through with it anyway, otherwise you won't have peace, but then there should be a solid boundary upon which you let it go
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 15:58:50 GMT -5
I want to clarify something. I want to contact this guy for CLOSURE, because I have spent way too much time obsessing over him. I think if I talk to him, he will come down from the pedestal my mind has involuntarily placed him on, and I'll be able to forget about him. However unfortunately I do still care what he thinks to a degree, and I don't want to look like a desperate moron.
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 15:59:37 GMT -5
and you did as far as denial goes, its all about your feelings, sometimes you know things are not gonna happen but you have to go through with it anyway, otherwise you won't have peace, but then there should be a solid boundary upon which you let it go So yeah, you think I've crossed that boundary? |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 18, 2008 16:02:00 GMT -5
I want to clarify something. I want to contact this guy for CLOSURE, because I have spent way too much time obsessing over him. I think if I talk to him, he will come down from the pedestal my mind has involuntarily placed him on, and I'll be able to forget about him. However unfortunately I do still care what he thinks to a degree, and I don't want to look like a desperate moron. maybe it's just me, but i don't think a person should need another person's cooperation to get closure. i think when you're done, you're done. |
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Post by MrNice on Dec 18, 2008 16:03:17 GMT -5
I think he was already off from that pedestal when you ran into him, and your initial reaction, about how he did not seem interested and that he might just want a booty call, I think was the correct one, but then you started thinking about him and having all these discussions and now its all complicated
of course I could be wrong and he is really shy and just dying to meet with you but is afraid to pick up the phone or call back
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Post by Sweet Pea on Dec 18, 2008 16:05:52 GMT -5
at this point, my recommendation would be to forget it. my reason is that you're not having fun. relationships are one of the few things in life that are entirely voluntary. you don't have to be with someone if you don't want to be. if you are gonna be with someone, imho it should be fun, enjoyable, a positive experience. if you can't do this without agonizing, being miserable, worrying, being anxious, etc. - then why do it at all? to me, all this strategizing is a big turnoff. personally, i'd rather be alone than engage in it. but of course, you should do whatever you want. that's the whole point. When you have social anxiety sometimes you have to go through worry and pain if you want to have relationships at all. None of my recent friendships have started out fun. It's not until I become comfortable with a person that it really becomes fun, and that can take a while. So why do it at all? Because it's worth going through the pain to finally be able to connect with people. In this particular situation my aim is to push my boundaries, which causes a lot of obsessive anxiety and worry, but is also empowering. I'm twenty and have never had a boyfriend and I want that to change. I've made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power to take advantage of opportunities presented to me. However this isn't comfortable or easy, so it stirs up excessive and possibly irrational worries. The strategizing is a way to cope I guess, sorry if it annoys you. i'm not annoyed by anything you are doing. i was saying for me personally the whole strategizing thing just ruins the whole deal. i can't think of a faster way to suck all the romance out of the situation than cold calculating strategizing. more suited to a military campaign than a romantic relationship. but if it works for you, go for it! |
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Post by MrNice on Dec 18, 2008 16:09:11 GMT -5
if I was in a situation where I called a girl 3 times and left a message and there was no response I would forget about it
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 16:10:02 GMT -5
When you have social anxiety sometimes you have to go through worry and pain if you want to have relationships at all. None of my recent friendships have started out fun. It's not until I become comfortable with a person that it really becomes fun, and that can take a while. So why do it at all? Because it's worth going through the pain to finally be able to connect with people. In this particular situation my aim is to push my boundaries, which causes a lot of obsessive anxiety and worry, but is also empowering. I'm twenty and have never had a boyfriend and I want that to change. I've made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power to take advantage of opportunities presented to me. However this isn't comfortable or easy, so it stirs up excessive and possibly irrational worries. The strategizing is a way to cope I guess, sorry if it annoys you. i'm not annoyed by anything you are doing. i was saying for me personally the whole strategizing thing just ruins the whole deal. i can't think of a faster way to suck all the romance out of the situation than cold calculating strategizing. more suited to a military campaign than a romantic relationship. but if it works for you, go for it! Haha, I think this is more about pushing my boundaries than romance at this point. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Dec 18, 2008 16:11:48 GMT -5
I want to clarify something. I want to contact this guy for CLOSURE, because I have spent way too much time obsessing over him. I think if I talk to him, he will come down from the pedestal my mind has involuntarily placed him on, and I'll be able to forget about him. However unfortunately I do still care what he thinks to a degree, and I don't want to look like a desperate moron. Well I hope those who encouraged her to chase this guy who never was interested are satisfied with you theories.  Anyway, he is obviously playing some silly mind fuck phone game with you at this point. No, don't call him again and no you don't need to speak to him for closure. You get closure from yourself, not others. I will reiterate. When someone is interested, especially a man, they let you know and they make the effort. Men pursue and show active interest and women should show receptive interest. Men are the hunters. If you take away them feeling like they won you over and you are a great prize then you emasculate him and he loses interest and goes looking for the next conquest. People like what is difficult to get. Sure if the female chases, most likely you'll end up with a short term lukewarm relationship. That is how it works and I'm sticking to it. The times where I did all the work and pursued I got a lukewarm guy who was looking out for his interests and what he could get from me. The times I showed receptive interest and let him lead, the feelings were much stronger and I was treated much better. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Dec 18, 2008 16:12:49 GMT -5
I think he was already off from that pedestal when you ran into him, and your initial reaction, about how he did not seem interested and that he might just want a booty call, I think was the correct one, but then you started thinking about him and having all these discussions and now its all complicated of course I could be wrong and he is really shy and just dying to meet with you but is afraid to pick up the phone or call back Ha, no he's not shy. |
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