Post by Farouche on Dec 28, 2008 4:25:35 GMT -5
Deadendphilosopher ---------------
Farouche, you are great at debating and I see your logic, but I still think there is something to the philosophy that things work best when guys pursue. Like any generalization this isn't true in all circumstances and situations, or for all couples, but I think there is some wisdom in this philosophy. Realistically there are different roles and expectations for men and women and society (conscious and unconscious), and I think this complicates things when it comes to dating. It's annoying, but true in my opinion. However this doesn't mean I intend make it my philosophy to throw my hands up and never go for any guys unless they go for me first. In my view, it all depends on the specific circumstance/situation and person one is dealing with.
Well, if there is “something to the philosophy that things work best [for some people] when guys pursue,” and something to the philosophy that things work best for some people when both members of the relationship contribute equally, then isn’t it simpler and closer to the truth to cut it all and go straight to your last sentence? “It all depends on the circumstances/situation and person that one is dealing with.” That’s really the heart of the matter, I think.
Nowadays, at our age, we’re not so bound to gender roles that we have to worry about guys thinking it’s unfeminine to do a bit of chasing. Most guys just seem to want to get with the right girl for them; and if she swoops in on shining armor to carry him off to her love lair, so much the better. Nowadays I'd say he’s more likely to be the envy of his friends than the laughingstock.
Gender roles still inform pretty much any relationship, of course; you’re still not likely to get away with hairy armpits or wearing a tuxedo to dinner, and guys generally still want an aspect of "femininity" to their gal as women want "masculinity," despite the subtly shifting boundaries defining those ideas. But something like just being assertive (and I don't mean flipping gender roles and doing all the chasing yourself) is unlikely to lose you a relationship, unless the guy specifically believes in old-fashioned courtship—In which case he will probably already have asked you out by the time you start dropping hints you're interested, assuming he's into you. And his actions during and after the first date should make it fairly clear as to whether or not the guy is expecting you to sit back and go along for the ride.
And if a you feel personally more comfortable in a relationship in which the man does the chasing, of course that's fine, too. Mainly the idea is that you needn't feel constrained to a completely passive role in these situations only for external reasons that don’t reflect your personal values, because to a great extent I think we do have the luxury of building more-egalitarian relationships if we so choose. They can and do work, though whether they will work between any given individuals may be another matter entirely.
Glad to hear I’ve managed to made some sense by the way, lol. I have to compliment your willingness to consider all viewpoints, too.